1) Tuesday's wake-up call was Amy telling me not to freak out. Dad's already freaking out and in his freak out, he decided I needed to know, too. It's nothing to worry about, said the doctor, but mom needs to be checked for cancer. There's probably a better explanation for what she's experiencing right now, but since she's already had cancer once before, it's better to have this checked out. Mom can't get an appointment for the necessary tests for a month. I started freaking out.
2) Due to the potential of me breaking down at some point this month, I decided I needed to make a decision about Sarah. I knew there were going to be other things popping in and out of the month as I waited, and I didn't want the possible stress and time spent waiting for a girl to come around to affect the other things I needed to do this month. I needed to know if she was genuinely interested or not. She told me she didn't want to be a stressor. I was told that you know it when you see it. I was told that it works out if it's the real thing. I thought it was something worth it. Well, that's what I get for breaking one of my rules.
3) Work. Oh my god, work. Not as in I have a lot to do, I just realize that I may not be as ready for a desk job as I had originally thought. At least, maybe not this desk job. The tiniest mistakes turn out to be these giant dramas. Every time. While I understand there are limitations to my abilities due to the fact that it is my first desk job, a lot can be said about this new system. There are three people performing what seems to be the same tasks. Of course there are going to be mistakes made and a limitation to the uniformity of the tasks being performed. AHHH!!! I hate complaining about work.
5) The paper still waits. It's been years now. This is no longer funny. I keep finding excuses to get out of it. This is a busy week of work. I am relaxing after a hard week. I have chores to do. I even set a different availability at work. Now, they just make me feel bad for not breaking my own availability. I need to do this. After Savannah last weekend, I've been thinking about it nonstop. I need to finish this. I need to leave this town. I do not need to sacrifice myself to a job that will only bind me to this position in life even longer.
Yes, I am drunk.
Yes, I am high.
But, really, I need out.
6) Love. I'm starting to realize more and more how much/little that word means. I fear it because I don't know it. I don't know it because I don't think I've ever felt it. I don't know if I believe in it. Is it still fair that I consider myself a romantic? Hope, that's all I can feel for it. As for now, I'm keeping my old mottos.
You don't know what you want until you know what you don't want.
I'm looking for new ex-girlfriends.