I always feel a sense of guilt regarding my journal. I always feel like I'm not keeping it up enough, that I'm not helping to preserve these memories of what I've been doing lately. I always enjoy looking back at old entries and laughing, so it smarts even more when I realize that I have so much catching up to do, that I don't know where to begin.
Whatever. Like, it's not just in my journal, I've also been taking a lot less pictures. I don't carry the digital camera around anymore. I shoot some snapshots here and there of ridiculous things with my phone, but even that is not too active. And it's not like things have been boring lately, either.
I guess that's how it sometimes goes. When there's more living in the moment, I tend to forget to keep track of things. Or I don't feel like it due to laziness or whatnot. Whatever.
So, as of right now, there are a few fairly pertinent things going on in this life of mine. Let's start where we last left off...
So, the drinking thing. Yeah, about that... I more or less grounded myself for a little while. Three weeks, to be exact. Not a drop. I ended it because it was Jenn's birthday and she was not about to let me get away with it. Yeah, lame excuse, but whatever. I knew that I needed something to shock me into the reality of how badly I was doing. Not that I was doing too badly, but I was heading there. Blacking out is no fun, kids. Funny, that's one thing, but it's not fun. I've been drinking again, but I keep myself on a leash. No more power chugging of straight alcohol. Space time out in between drinks. Let the first few hit me before taking the 6th or 7th drink. Stop when I can't fully control my balance while dancing.
On a somewhat related (if you're me) note, dad has been calling a lot more lately. Not for any real practical reason, either. He now calls here and there just to see how or what I'm doing. It's still awkward. We still don't have much to talk about. But this happens maybe once a week or so. It's interesting.
Actually, it's painful. It's painful in the "I wish it didn't have to be like this" kinda way. I can't help but to pick up every pop-culture reference of the strain found in most father-son relationships. I find myself constantly worrying about how I will one day raise a son if I'm already following in so many of my father's footsteps. I remember hearing a while back that we all end up like our parents because that's where we learn the relationship skills from, but that there's improvement with each generation. My father's father died when dad was 17, so what he knows about a father-son relationship is already limited. What kind of father am I going to be if I'm coming out of this? How much improvement can happen between generations?
Why am I worrying so much about how to raise a child?
I found myself sitting in the back room of Starbucks the other day, eating a bowl of Kix and contemplating what kind of cereal I was going to feed my kids. I then became very interested in the tips the back of the box gave to help parents find ways to spend time with their kids while also helping to facilitate their learning. Playing cards games with the child will help to develop logic and math skills, I committed to memory. Talk about road signs and what shapes they are, then move on to discuss what each sign means.
That reminds me of a scene from Not Without My Daughter. Since she doesn't speak or read Arabic, the mother has her daughter ask questions about what the different signs mean so she can help her when they make their escape from Iran.
And then there's the summer trips. I managed to mess up the trip to Milwaukee (sp?) for myself by choosing a date (while incredibly drunk) and then forgetting the date while I planned a trip back home to SFL. Well, home and the parents were already accommodated for when I was reminded that the trip to Wisconsin was a week away, so I missed on that drinking fest. In the end, it's a good thing I did, considering I was still grounded during that time and all. Besides, SFL was relaxing. Even with my parents around.
San Francisco is almost upon me, and it seems that there may be a side trip to Seattle involved. I was almost in the clear (meaning I would be going), but then some complications with flight plans and whatnot may screw that up. I'm hoping for the best. I would love to do the 3 city tour by the end of this summer (Seattle, San Francisco, and Boston) and have visited all of the "I will move there" cities. I would also hope that I could decide on what city I would go to and start my planning around that.
That is, assuming, I finish college. Oh my god, I want to finish college. I'm almost at the point of not caring what the fuck major I get as long as I can leave. I'll network my way into whatever job I get, I'll be fine. I have people skills. I just want to finish this part (the BS part) and just live life without this college degree thing hanging above my head. And then I'd like to go to grad school.
Yeah, you read that right. Grad school, bitches. As long as someone accepts me...