that funny looking asian boy (icraveattn) wrote,
that funny looking asian boy
icraveattn

another blackout night

I've done gone and fucked up again.

I type this out without my glasses on. I have yet to shower and I am already digging into the chicken soup hangover process I have assigned myself. I don't have glasses on because I can't seem to find them. Yes, it was another one of those nights.

Unfortunately, I don't recall much from last night. I remember that I couldn't really count what drink I was on because I was free pouring my vodka for myself. All that I do remember is the condition on which I left the party. I had just almost gotten in a fight with a bigger guy because... I don't remember. Something to do with me hitting on his girlfriend. So I walked out of there and called Mike for a ride.

I remember I was crying a lot. I'm pretty sure it had to do with my having messed things up for everyone that I had showed up with. Rob was supposed to be talking to the girl that he was interested in all night, I think, and I somewhat remember telling him to go back as he escorted me to Mike's car. I don't remember much else.

I woke up today in my bed not knowing how I got there. My clothes are on the floor like I threw them off in a hurry. I'm not sure if it's on a related note, but I also find really long blonde hair on my pillow next to me. I assume Noelle probably was up here talking to me or something. This is going to stop.

I've decided that I won't be drinking for a while. I can't seem to control myself or how many drinks I have. Too many nights have been bad nights for me due to either bad things happening or my not remembering how the night ends. I can't keep this up without really messing something up.

This is going to be hard because of how engrained in my culture drinking is, but I'm going to have to deal with it. I probably won't be going out as much anymore and I'll probably be more able to focus on the things I should be focusing on. Like school. Like my photography.

I don't know how long this is going to last, or even if it will last. Last night was just another wake up call for myself and I need to do something drastic to knock myself out of this situation that I'm in.

In some respects, it's almost like I'm grounding myself. I'm going to clean up the apartment. I'm going to finish up a few projects I have set for myself. I'm going to cancel my birthday party.

What sense would it make to throw myself a party if I'm just going to find it as a chance to drink a whole lot and to pass out somewhere? This is for my liver. This is for the friends that end up having to take care of me. This is for myself.
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