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this week sucks [23 Mar 2007|02:30am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

This is for me to remember later. As in a few years. As in, wow. Did I really think that was so terrible? At least, I'm hoping that this all blows over.

1) Tuesday's wake-up call was Amy telling me not to freak out. Dad's already freaking out and in his freak out, he decided I needed to know, too. It's nothing to worry about, said the doctor, but mom needs to be checked for cancer. There's probably a better explanation for what she's experiencing right now, but since she's already had cancer once before, it's better to have this checked out. Mom can't get an appointment for the necessary tests for a month. I started freaking out.

2) Due to the potential of me breaking down at some point this month, I decided I needed to make a decision about Sarah. I knew there were going to be other things popping in and out of the month as I waited, and I didn't want the possible stress and time spent waiting for a girl to come around to affect the other things I needed to do this month. I needed to know if she was genuinely interested or not. She told me she didn't want to be a stressor. I was told that you know it when you see it. I was told that it works out if it's the real thing. I thought it was something worth it. Well, that's what I get for breaking one of my rules.

3) Work. Oh my god, work. Not as in I have a lot to do, I just realize that I may not be as ready for a desk job as I had originally thought. At least, maybe not this desk job. The tiniest mistakes turn out to be these giant dramas. Every time. While I understand there are limitations to my abilities due to the fact that it is my first desk job, a lot can be said about this new system. There are three people performing what seems to be the same tasks. Of course there are going to be mistakes made and a limitation to the uniformity of the tasks being performed. AHHH!!! I hate complaining about work.

5) The paper still waits. It's been years now. This is no longer funny. I keep finding excuses to get out of it. This is a busy week of work. I am relaxing after a hard week. I have chores to do. I even set a different availability at work. Now, they just make me feel bad for not breaking my own availability. I need to do this. After Savannah last weekend, I've been thinking about it nonstop. I need to finish this. I need to leave this town. I do not need to sacrifice myself to a job that will only bind me to this position in life even longer.

Yes, I am drunk.

Yes, I am high.

But, really, I need out.

6) Love. I'm starting to realize more and more how much/little that word means. I fear it because I don't know it. I don't know it because I don't think I've ever felt it. I don't know if I believe in it. Is it still fair that I consider myself a romantic? Hope, that's all I can feel for it. As for now, I'm keeping my old mottos.

You don't know what you want until you know what you don't want.

therefore:

I'm looking for new ex-girlfriends.

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it's a place where a garden never grows [04 Mar 2007|01:54pm]
I'm going to lame it up for a minute.

There I am, eating in front of my computer, mindlessly hopping around my email and the internet. I'm updating my HORorNOT profile, trying to figure out what to put in the keyword box when I come to a starting conclusion. I couldn't find an activity that I could say has really been driving my life forward. I think I've been stuck for a while.

Meanwhile, Party Shuffle has put Hole in My Soul by Aerosmith on.

This is one of those chances. I gotta get moving.

No hurry, but no reason to be stalled, either.

Jarrett's gone.

An era has ended. It's time to move on and start something else. I have projects on my docket. It's time to get it started. My hands are clean, it's time to get them dirty with Vespa grease. Photo chemicals. Umm... library dust? (Sorry. I wanted to play with the metaphor.)
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i want to know you better [26 Feb 2007|06:26pm]
this may be a bad thing, but i find myself fairly frustrated when i feel like i am bing snubbed.  and i don't mean for a favor, but for friendship.

at some recent point in my life, i fell into the belief that i am probably one of the best persons everyone in my life will ever meet.  if not the dominant self-view, its influence quite often surges to the top of my head, especially when i'm thinking about people i have tried to connect to, but for one reason or another, have fallen short on.

i know that i have enough friends.  i have even more acquaintances, i know.  the issue is where the two groups cross.  there are many acquaintances i am honestly upset about not knowing better.  there are many people in my life who i can imagine to be incredible people, but i don't  feel i have quite connected with enough to know.

i wish i could hand pick some people to have bonding experiences with.

i appreciate all the people in my life that i have bonded with.  i am not lacking.  i am just selfish.  i want more.  i like good people.  i feel like i am missing out when there are good people whom i don't know well.

is that weird?

i am a good friend.  i am fun to have around.  i interact well.

let me into your circle.
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a late night's typing... [10 Nov 2006|03:35am]
So, it's been a while. A long while. I sit in my room, kinda drunk, but not really. It has been over a year (I'm thinking over two years?) since I last posted anything. Since I last wrote to myself in this.

A lot has happened since, as one can imagine. There were crushes and dramas. There was a relationship with Brittany that came and went. There has been many life changing experiences I couldn't even start to describe. I changed jobs. I work with a band now.

Really, I don't feel like going into too many details in those areas right now. I just feel like typing. It has been way too long. I miss the feel and comfort of having the most annoying parts of my life typed down for me to look at later. I feel like getting back into it.

On that note, I'm bored. Not really lonely, but in need of... something. Still trying to figure out the fine line between the person I was and the person I've been building myself to be. To quote Paul, "Kong, it seems you've created a lifestyle for yourself that you're not completely comfortable with."

Let me figure that one out for a while.
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[23 Nov 2004|10:46pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

It seems rather appropriate that this is where I turn. I had been thinking about how to pick back up journaling again since I hadn't been doing it for so long, about whether to slowly ease into it or to start suddenly, about whether or not to do catching-up; and if so, how much of it. I hadn't had too much drama lately. Nothing bad, at least. Many great stories to tell, but nothing that I really needed to vent about like I used to.

Leave it to my habits and my family to fix that up for me.

This Thanksgiving is going to be akward. I just got off the phone with my sister about what I had originally thought would be turkey talk but ended up being my finding out about my dad's DUI, and oh, what else needs to be bought at Publix before I get down there.

It seems that he tierh got a DUI or he might've gotten some warning. My sister was a little upset while telling me about it because they were struggling to find the papers. They had lost them and wanted to ask her whether or not it was a DUI.

Oh, and it seems a few of his checks bounced.

Then my mom asked about the turkey again. I'm not sure if she knew what Amy had just told me, but she seemed oblivious enough to what I was upset about and, come on, just because the cat nibbled at the undersized raw turkey and ate through some skin, we should be fine. She doesn't seem to agree that I need a new bird.

All this, before I tell them about my not being in classes this semester.

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the gun story [21 Aug 2004|08:34am]
So Saturday night was Rob's 21st birthday and we all did the usual go out and get drunk thing. That was all gravy. We get back to the townhole later on in the evening, and Rob's obviously trashed, when these guys standing around apt 14 start calling him a fag and starting shit. Rob's drunk so he starts yelling back and then runs up the stairs to confront them.

I run up to the third floor in time to see Mike trying to pull Rob off these guys as they keep yelling and shoving Mike, Rob, and who ever else was there (Zach?) to break things up. I look over while trying to keep things back and see a gun being pointed in our direction, all thug gangsta-like, from above everyone's heads.

We keep pulling Rob all the way back to apt 2 and the punks are still coming and shoving Mike and me, yelling at us to get inside our apartment. I don't remember seeing the gun at this point. I head into apt 2 and hang out there for a bit before heading outside to see where Mike was and how he was doing and I see that he's already talking to the police.

Apt 14 is completely dark and Mike said he had seen a couple of guys running into an SUV. Mike says the cops arrested someone down the street with a gun, but nothing could be done about it because Mike didn't want to go ID the guy. You really can't blame him since the cop said that he couldn't guarantee Mike the guy wouldn't be able to see him. Mike didn't want to get shot later, and who can blame him?

All in all, this is ridiculous shit. Mike wants to see the guys evicted. I want to settle things out with the neighbors and hope that this was all just a misunderstanding or that those guys with the gun aren't people that normally hang around there. Either way, this is a shitty way to start our last year at the townhole. We'll see what happens from here.
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the summer wraps up [21 Aug 2004|08:34am]
[ mood | high ]

Summer, you gave me craziness.

I randomly picked up and helped Eva move to Boston. I almost took a random trip to Wisconsin for a bar but ended up grounding myself from alcohol for 3 weeks instead. I threw a crazy reverse surprise party and ate some shrooms.

I went swimming after the clubs and bars let out. I danced every week at least once. I found my confidence. I have found my stride. I went to Vegas and found a system for winning in roulette. I went to San Francisco and learned to buy drugs off the street. I went to Seattle and learned just how random and crazy I can let life be.

South Florida told me that it's not home for me anymore. Craziness comes with the friends. Catch the right people, catch the right crazy. Doing things I didn't think I would ever do. Coming up with all the fun and crazy ideas I can get. Keep them down? Sure thing.

And then to end it all, there was last night. More drinking. Interesting action. Got a gun pulled out on us. Yeah, that's a new one.

And so this summer ends. Let's see what I'm getting involved with come this fall. It'll be interesting as hell, I'm sure of that.

Cheers to good randomness without bad drama.

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random early morning ramblings [21 Aug 2004|08:34am]
I don't know if I've ever felt this good before,

The summer is ending and I know that a chapter of my life is now ending and another one is just about to start. This was: one great summer. I traveled. I ate a lot. I had fun. The apartment was a mess.

There are still many things to bog me down right now - Now the same as always - but I choose not to let anything get to me. Everything's working out. Everyone is okay. I have plenty to be happy about. It feels great to be able to look around at my surroundings and just enjoy the fact that I'm in college. I can just hang out and be happy. This is it. This is the life.

I have happy memories to hold onto. The trip to the west coast was more eye-opening to me. While it wasn't as grand a realization as Boston was, the west coast definitely helped to fuel the drive I had picked up from the New England area. I learnt that I like to travel. I'm now ready to do it for real. I want to take a few months out of my life and backpack the country. Yes, people do Europe all the time, but I want more of this country. I have a lot to learn about what America means to me. And a few months means like, six? Enough time to spend at one place for a month at a time if I think it's cool there. Enough time to really hang out.

But I digress, that's just another one of my crazy ideas.
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surprise reversal [10 Jul 2004|01:33pm]
"Surprise, muthafuckas!!!"

That was yelled as Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" is blasting in the background. Just after the four bottle rockets went off in the stairwell. And then the silly string came flying out as I ran around in drag.

I just successfully threw myself a surprise party.

Zach and I had been planning it from the beginning. It was awesome. No one knew that I knew. Apparently, some people had suspicions because I am George Kong and there is no way that there would be a party like that without me knowing.

Uh oh, gotta run to work now. More explanation possibly later.

P.S. - I love all my friends. They are the best.
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you're really sexy [07 Jul 2004|04:22am]
"You know, you're a really sexy guy."

I was taken aback by that one. "Sexy guy?" Who says that? I tried to play it off, "Thanks, I know." And so we continued dancing. Preceding moments had included, "I didn't know you could dance so well," and, "You have some really good moves there."

Seeing as how I had been flirting with her at every chance (when she would come into my Starbucks), I took all of this is a good sign. So, I asked her for her number at the end of the night. Wednesday is my birthday, I explained, and I was wondering if I could call her about coming out with us. She said she should probably tell me that she has a boyfriend right now, but since I'm a good dancer, she would give me her number.

What the hell?

*beat*

I have a lot ahead of me as far as the rest of this week goes. Coming to the realization of how much I had to pre-plan before leaving g'ville, I decided that I needed to use all of tomorrow's day off to get things in order. No going out and relaxing. Maybe some night activity, but probably nothing too much. I have too many things to take care of.

I will leave g'ville on Sunday, leave SFL on Tuesday, and be in California for a stay of about a week. Following that, I will be spending half a week (the weekend part!) in Seattle. The California part will involve my mom, sister, and little cousin (Cecilia). The Seattle part will only be my sister and me. I will then fly back to SFL by on my own, stay for about a week (during which, I hope to get some hours at my sister's store), and then attend a wedding before finally heading back to g'ville.

Now, how do I pack?

Besides that, I have not spent this much time away from g'ville since I got here. I won't be returning until August. That's 3 weeks. I'm a whole lotta nervous about this. Like I'm going to miss something? Like something is going to happen just before I leave that I won't be able to resolve when I get back? Like I will lose something? Some of my food is going to spoil. I won't be able to do all the little things I do at the store. I'm going to forget to pay a bill or something. Crap. That one might happen.

*beat*

I was angry, not because of the boyfriend thing on its own. That's frustrating enough, granted, but I was used to it. Actually, when telling the story to Brit at work, she exclaimed, "This happens to you a lot!" (She hasn't even known me past this summer.) The frustrating part is that I was originally dancing with an attractive girl who had bought me a drink just earlier. I figured that since Sarah was new to the scene and it seemed like she wasn't too good at this dancing thing, I would spend some time with her. I guess I figured that when she came up to me and pulled me away from the two girls I was dancing with.

For the record, I have no plans to call her. I'm not that guy.

*beat*

And yes. I am 22.

No, I'm not too happy about it.
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4th of july, and drunk [04 Jul 2004|03:08am]
[ mood | drunk ]

I never liked this holiday.

I sit here, slightly drunk and a little high. I have been out tonight, but haven't really had too much to drink but also haven't really danced any, either.

When I was little, there was one year where my uncle purposely lit one of those things shaped like a plane and aimed it at me while I ran away screaming like a little girl. I think I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.

I was always afraid of fireworks. It took me until about middle school to be fully okay with lighting them. It took me until high school to be the badass male of the family.

Nate just walked in and tried to give me a double wet willy.

I will now go downstairs to watch The Butterfly Effect. I was on the street team for the movie and was all excited about it coming out, but I have yet to see it. Good thing I have a roommate that works at Blockbuster. Free movies and video games rocks. Good thing I promote movies. :-P

Also, it's time for a corndog.

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was grounded, now wanting to fly [26 Jun 2004|06:19am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

So, this is how it will go. I will type and let whatever comes out come out. Right?

I always feel a sense of guilt regarding my journal. I always feel like I'm not keeping it up enough, that I'm not helping to preserve these memories of what I've been doing lately. I always enjoy looking back at old entries and laughing, so it smarts even more when I realize that I have so much catching up to do, that I don't know where to begin.

Whatever. Like, it's not just in my journal, I've also been taking a lot less pictures. I don't carry the digital camera around anymore. I shoot some snapshots here and there of ridiculous things with my phone, but even that is not too active. And it's not like things have been boring lately, either.

I guess that's how it sometimes goes. When there's more living in the moment, I tend to forget to keep track of things. Or I don't feel like it due to laziness or whatnot. Whatever.

So, as of right now, there are a few fairly pertinent things going on in this life of mine. Let's start where we last left off...

So, the drinking thing. Yeah, about that... I more or less grounded myself for a little while. Three weeks, to be exact. Not a drop. I ended it because it was Jenn's birthday and she was not about to let me get away with it. Yeah, lame excuse, but whatever. I knew that I needed something to shock me into the reality of how badly I was doing. Not that I was doing too badly, but I was heading there. Blacking out is no fun, kids. Funny, that's one thing, but it's not fun. I've been drinking again, but I keep myself on a leash. No more power chugging of straight alcohol. Space time out in between drinks. Let the first few hit me before taking the 6th or 7th drink. Stop when I can't fully control my balance while dancing.

On a somewhat related (if you're me) note, dad has been calling a lot more lately. Not for any real practical reason, either. He now calls here and there just to see how or what I'm doing. It's still awkward. We still don't have much to talk about. But this happens maybe once a week or so. It's interesting.

Actually, it's painful. It's painful in the "I wish it didn't have to be like this" kinda way. I can't help but to pick up every pop-culture reference of the strain found in most father-son relationships. I find myself constantly worrying about how I will one day raise a son if I'm already following in so many of my father's footsteps. I remember hearing a while back that we all end up like our parents because that's where we learn the relationship skills from, but that there's improvement with each generation. My father's father died when dad was 17, so what he knows about a father-son relationship is already limited. What kind of father am I going to be if I'm coming out of this? How much improvement can happen between generations?

Why am I worrying so much about how to raise a child?

I found myself sitting in the back room of Starbucks the other day, eating a bowl of Kix and contemplating what kind of cereal I was going to feed my kids. I then became very interested in the tips the back of the box gave to help parents find ways to spend time with their kids while also helping to facilitate their learning. Playing cards games with the child will help to develop logic and math skills, I committed to memory. Talk about road signs and what shapes they are, then move on to discuss what each sign means.

That reminds me of a scene from Not Without My Daughter. Since she doesn't speak or read Arabic, the mother has her daughter ask questions about what the different signs mean so she can help her when they make their escape from Iran.

What?

And then there's the summer trips. I managed to mess up the trip to Milwaukee (sp?) for myself by choosing a date (while incredibly drunk) and then forgetting the date while I planned a trip back home to SFL. Well, home and the parents were already accommodated for when I was reminded that the trip to Wisconsin was a week away, so I missed on that drinking fest. In the end, it's a good thing I did, considering I was still grounded during that time and all. Besides, SFL was relaxing. Even with my parents around.

San Francisco is almost upon me, and it seems that there may be a side trip to Seattle involved. I was almost in the clear (meaning I would be going), but then some complications with flight plans and whatnot may screw that up. I'm hoping for the best. I would love to do the 3 city tour by the end of this summer (Seattle, San Francisco, and Boston) and have visited all of the "I will move there" cities. I would also hope that I could decide on what city I would go to and start my planning around that.

That is, assuming, I finish college. Oh my god, I want to finish college. I'm almost at the point of not caring what the fuck major I get as long as I can leave. I'll network my way into whatever job I get, I'll be fine. I have people skills. I just want to finish this part (the BS part) and just live life without this college degree thing hanging above my head. And then I'd like to go to grad school.

Yeah, you read that right. Grad school, bitches. As long as someone accepts me...

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[09 Jun 2004|12:40am]
[ mood | depressed ]

*sigh*

Got back from a... ? A date, I would guess? Regardless, it ended with the "let's be friends" thing. Damn. I wished it would've worked out. She was cute, and had something behind her. We had similar interests. Conversation was good. Whatever. It happens.

So I got home and got bored. Started poking around online. Somehow, ended up with plans with Mimi for dinner on Friday night. That'll be interesting.

In conversation, Mike said that he really wants me to get a girlfriend. Eh, what're you gonna do?

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another blackout night [23 May 2004|12:14pm]
I've done gone and fucked up again.

I type this out without my glasses on. I have yet to shower and I am already digging into the chicken soup hangover process I have assigned myself. I don't have glasses on because I can't seem to find them. Yes, it was another one of those nights.

Unfortunately, I don't recall much from last night. I remember that I couldn't really count what drink I was on because I was free pouring my vodka for myself. All that I do remember is the condition on which I left the party. I had just almost gotten in a fight with a bigger guy because... I don't remember. Something to do with me hitting on his girlfriend. So I walked out of there and called Mike for a ride.

I remember I was crying a lot. I'm pretty sure it had to do with my having messed things up for everyone that I had showed up with. Rob was supposed to be talking to the girl that he was interested in all night, I think, and I somewhat remember telling him to go back as he escorted me to Mike's car. I don't remember much else.

I woke up today in my bed not knowing how I got there. My clothes are on the floor like I threw them off in a hurry. I'm not sure if it's on a related note, but I also find really long blonde hair on my pillow next to me. I assume Noelle probably was up here talking to me or something. This is going to stop.

I've decided that I won't be drinking for a while. I can't seem to control myself or how many drinks I have. Too many nights have been bad nights for me due to either bad things happening or my not remembering how the night ends. I can't keep this up without really messing something up.

This is going to be hard because of how engrained in my culture drinking is, but I'm going to have to deal with it. I probably won't be going out as much anymore and I'll probably be more able to focus on the things I should be focusing on. Like school. Like my photography.

I don't know how long this is going to last, or even if it will last. Last night was just another wake up call for myself and I need to do something drastic to knock myself out of this situation that I'm in.

In some respects, it's almost like I'm grounding myself. I'm going to clean up the apartment. I'm going to finish up a few projects I have set for myself. I'm going to cancel my birthday party.

What sense would it make to throw myself a party if I'm just going to find it as a chance to drink a whole lot and to pass out somewhere? This is for my liver. This is for the friends that end up having to take care of me. This is for myself.
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another random Gainesville night [15 May 2004|04:38am]
[ mood | high ]

I love nights like tonight.

An old friend from a long time ago (okay, let's be honest. it was Lauren, who I had met from group therapy), came by work and invited me to her friend's birthday get-together. It was a semi-small private affair, I was told, but I should come. Her friend was there as I was being invited.

So, much later on in the evening, I find myself at this random girl's house, eating vegetarian enchiladas and enjoying the people watching. I had walked into the house and only recognized Lauren. That rarely happens in this town for me anymore. Between work, school, and my weird ability to remember faces, I almost never walk into a place without at least knowing a face or recognizing a smile.

After a bit of hanging out and drinking (tee hee), we went out to Market Street for the 80's night there. I drank a little. I danced a lot. Ran into some other people I know. I then went back with everyone to the girl's house, did a little more drinking, bumped some soma (never tried, had no effect), talked to Alfredo (who showed up at the club) a little bit about me buying a Vespa from him, ran into a friendly bartender I know, got a book from Alfredo about fixing up Vespas, and hung out some more.

As I left and was walking to Nate's van (which I was driving for the evening), it clicked that this was another one of those "college nights" that I love Gainesville for. Oh, and I was also hit on by a random gay man at this girl's house. No one knew the guy, he was just randomly invited as we were leaving downtown. He did, however, keep winking at me and grabbing at me all night. Hmmm and stuff, right?

Anyhow, I love Gainesville for this. That I was able to have such a random night and meet such random people. I could have gone out with the neighbors for some drinking at the local bar, but this was much more worth it. I had fun, met new people, and broadened my horizons. It was pretty damn cool.

Thank you Gainesville. Thank you for the random nights you leave me with memories of. (keyword: memories)

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jessy graduated [13 May 2004|04:19am]
Seeming like another lazy summer night, I had ignored a lot of invitations to go out and broke a lot of promises to make return calls to opt out and fall asleep in a passing out manner on one of the most comfortable beds in Gainesville. During the day, Rob and I realized our college-ness while we were leaving On the Border. There I was, looking all wanna be punk-emo and there was Rob, in the biggest white fro I've seen on a man, riding in my roommate's dirty van that hadn't been cleaned since spring break, one our way to a grocery store so that we could make our own dessert concoctions because we were drunk and high. Listening to Guster.

And so I roll out of my bed around 4 am and stumble into my computer chair to see what messages have been disappointingly left for me throughout the night. I didn't mean to ignore everyone, but I also didn't mean to force my body into requiring me to sleep for a few uninterrupted hours. So, I'm reading messages and away messages when I come upon Jessy's:

graduation

wait, what?


I hear a "click" in my head and it all hits me all over again. That I'm a terrible friend at keeping correspondences. That everyone I had graduated high school with is now graduating from college and heading into the "real world." That I am, every day, becoming more and more of a failure for not having my degree yet.

It sucks that I have friends like Jessy, who, I used to be so close with but have gradually parted ways with during the years. I made my efforts here and there, but it becomes somewhat a struggle after losing touch at some point of high school. Graduating is one of those big moments in life, I wish I had known that she was heading towards it. I wish I knew what she was doing next. I just wish I had kept in touch.

And every day since the last day of graduations here at UF two weeks ago, I feel more like a failure. I realize with each passing day that I am one more day behind on my degree. That, had I graduated on time, it would have been two weeks and five days ago. I want to get out. I want to finish this and go on.

Granted, I love this town and I love this life and everything that it's given me. But the realization had hit pretty hard and I don't like it. I don't like knowing that, in the end, I will probably be stuck in my life until I can get this degree and get out of this town. I want to move.

I want to move to Boston.
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Boston effects [10 May 2004|01:28am]
I wanted to do a happy recap of he random trip to Boston I took, but it's a little too late for it.

I came back super excited. It was one of the most rewarding things I've done in the past few years, I told Eva. Now, I try my hardest not to feel a bittersweet sadness about it all. I'm glad I went, but I'm sad I left.

I love Gainesville for what it is, but I love Boston for what it can be. I had a really good time there and I could definitely see myself living there really soon. I plan on being more sure about it after this summer ends because of all the traveling I'll be doing this season. To further my thought recording process, I bought a journal that I plan on keeping notes in all summer.

I also miss Eva. We weren't that close before the trip, but spending 72+ hours with someone will make a bond. It didn't really hit me until we were talking on the phone the night after I left Boston, but she said that she wished she knew me and had gotten to know me earlier. I couldn't help but feel the same. It was really sad, the idea of getting to know someone on the same trip that will take them out of your life.

I don't know what this is all about. I'm just feeling kind of mopey and I'm not too sure why yet. I'm hoping that this all clears up soon, but at the same time, I don't. I'm kinda glad that I have these emotions. Amanda said that it's cute. It's proof, she says, that I'm human and that I have feelings.

Meh, I just think it might be because I've been smoking too much.
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what i gave up for lent [26 Apr 2004|12:15am]
[ mood | excited ]

On the 21st of February, I got really really stoned on the van ride to see Modest Mouse in Tallahassee. When I get stoned, I get crazy ideas. Sometimes, I leave little messages for a more sober me to find and follow. A lot of times, I go through with it. Keeps life interesting.

On the 23rd of February, I come across a voice recording I had left in my cell phone. Apparently, I had decided after the Modest Mouse show (and a lot of drinking) that I would give up masturbating for Lent. It being the Monday night before Lent (begins on Ash Wednesday), I freaked out. What the hell was I thinking???

I lasted a week.

By the time I had left for the South Florida spring break trip, however, I had stopped again. We left the night of the 8th of March. Didn't do it during spring break. Didn't do it after. A long time after. At some point, I decided that I would hold off until the end of the semester instead of just Lent, to make up for the cheating. I wasn't quite sure when the last time I had cheated was, but I was sure that the end of the semester would equate to more than 40 days.

After a while, I started getting worried. I was waiting for the wet dream. According to everything I had learned in sex ed, wet dreams come every month should a guy have a build-up of semen. Well, hitting 35 days and not having nocturnal emissions caused me some concern. As I read up about it on the internet, I came to the conclusion that once they discover masturbation, guys don't stop. Ever. I couldn't find a thing about anyone actually not masturbating for a while and having issues of not having wet dreams.

During this time, though, I had plenty of sex dreams. Really good ones. What sucked is that I would wake up from them and immediately check my boxers with the hope that I had a wet one. Nada. Hitting day 48 today, I got pissed. My goal had changed from the end of the semester (my semester was done) to whenever I hit a wet dream. I was getting worried that I wouldn't have one.

*beat*

I woke up this morning laying on the couch. I passed out in the living room again. It was only 9 am, so I went up to my room and played some Red Alert 2. I decided at some point that I would play video games to relieve myself whenever I got the urge. I had beaten half of Red Alert 2 in less than a week during finals week/end of the semester. Then I decided to take an hour long nap.

I had sex three times. In my dream. I woke up after each one. First, there was the blowjob. I woke up and checked myself, got disappointed, and was actually able to fall back into the same dream. Next was a threesome (running in the same dream). Woke up, checked myself, nothing. Then, there was the orgy. And I woke up, checked myself, and then got angry. I had forgotten how badly I needed to do laundry and I had dirtied my last set of clean underwear.

Then, I realized that the abstaining was over and I got excited again.

And that is the story on why I went commando to work today. The end.

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the resolutions, a review [19 Apr 2004|06:37pm]
So, I looked back at the resolutions I had made for this year, and to my surprise, I'm doing much better than I had thought I would be doing. Let's review (instead of studying for the final I have in les than 24 hours).

1) I will not let work take over my life.
Especially with the developments, I believe that this is slowly being met. Even with Shannon as the manager, I have been able to say no when I needed to. I've taken off for personal time, party time, and tests. Yes, it's still a big factor in my week, but I'm feeling more free. I'm feeling like I can let it deal with itself sometimes. And about the recent developments, more on that later.

2) I am going to take better care of my body through exercise.
Umm... okay. So maybe I haven’t exactly dived in on this one, but I have plans to! Come on, this is on everyone's resolutions list and nobody ever does it. This just means that I'm a healthy American.

3) No pork.
Ha! I even one-upped this one! Not only have I been dodging pork, but beef has also made it on the list. It started with pork because I figured since two of the world's largest religions (Islam and Judaism) tell its followers to avoid it, there has to be some practical reasoning behind it. Beef was added to the list because I had learned in my environmental science class long ago that beef is the most inefficient meat source we consume because there is such a low output of usable product considering all the resources going in. When I learned this, I justified my beef eating with the claim that its so ingrained in society, beef could not be given up. However, with my giving up pork, it only made sense for me to give up beef with it. Pork, by the way, is the second most inefficient meat source, following beef.

Don't get me wrong, I love to eat pork and beef. I constantly crave pork chops, ribs, and steaks. Did you know that Chef Boyardee does not provide a beef-less option? At least, not a good one. And I'm not one for wasting food, either. If I don't have an option and I'm a guest at someone's house and they make a meal with pork or beef, I'm not going to turn away food. I'm just not going to make it my choice, that's all. Trust me, it hasn't been easy.

4) I have a lot to offer. Start from there.
This one has been especially interesting lately. I've developed a greater sense of self-confidence lately, and it has felt wonderful. I have enough feedback from people to know that I'm a Good Guy. The amount of (mostly unsolicited) positive feedback received has given me a really good readjustment of my self-worth.

Over the weekend, I developed a new view on Things As They Are and I'm pretty damn happy about it. Since I don't want to be single, I view being single as some sort of punishment. I was asking myself if I deserved to be single. I figure I'm not doing anything wrong. I would be great in a relationship. So why am I single? I'm a good person. I deserve to have someone. I'm a good person. Someone would want all the goodness that I come with. And then it hit me.

I bring a lot of goodness with me. Wait, no one person deserves that. I have a lot to offer that many people don't even deserve. It is a good thing that I'm single; that way, my goodness is being spread around for everyone. Should all my attention be focused on an undeserving single person, I am cutting off everyone around me from the goodness that is me. And that would be selfish of that one person. For the betterment of everyone I come in contact with, it is a Good Thing that I am single.

Yes, there may be people out there that deserve all of the goodness that I provide, but they need to make it known. I should not have to put incredible amounts of effort into going after someone mediocre, they should convince me of their goodness. The only way I should put forth the hard effort I am capable of, I should be convinced that the girl is someone great, someone that meets the criteria. Should girls come after me, then so be it. They should have to convince me of their goodness. They should have a lot to offer me.

This new view has gotten some interesting smiles and responses. Mike said, "That is the most egotistical thing I have ever heard. I like it." And that's really an appropriate reaction. Nate asked me, "Should I hit you now or later?" Zach commented with, "That's quite a pep talk you gave yourself." And you know what? Yes. I know. But you know what? I know I'm right, as should they.

It's only April. I have a whole lot more of 2004 to go through while working on these resolutions. The plan is, let's keep going. Things are getting a whole lot better all the time and I want to keep the trend going.
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[18 Apr 2004|09:40pm]
And then months later, the typing starts back up. I'm sticking my feet in the water to see how it feels.
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